Thursday, February 18, 2010

Vancouver 2010

As someone who never participates in, and generally loathes watching, sports, I like to dust off my athletic expertise every few years. What better opportunity to brush up on sports lingo than to offer my very well thought out opinions and commentary on the Olympics??

First up, pairs figure skating.

I think we can all agree that the Chinese couple who has been married 18 years and came out of retirement to compete, deserved to win the gold medal. Even if she did almost fall off in the free skate. Whatever. But what *really* clinched their gold wasn't her gigantic, open-mouth smile or his ever present jazz hands. No. It was when the German couple chose their costumes:

Really? Or in German, wirklich??? Send in the clowns?! You chose THAT as your Olympic theme? Maybe something got lost in translation. It could be cultural differences. But I have a hard time believing that a CLOWN costume says "Take me seriously" in any language.

But, then I took a good long look at the Norwegian men's curling team, and decided that I might be wrong:

Masterfully done, guys. Masterfully done. The circus that loaned you those pants was high-fiving all over the place as you used their elephant cleaning brooms to sweep that ice. Sweep it!

Now. On to women's moguls, or--another way to put it--showing the world's.done.

That is American Hannah Kearney, known in the Olympic village as the "Prude" who didn't do a swimsuit photo shoot in preparation for her Olympic experience. And that is American Hannah Kearney just hanging out upside down. For a long time. While her Canadian competition started bawling at the bottom of the run. I know nothing about skiing, and the only time I've attempted skiing I ended up in a pretzel on the bunny hill, but even *I* could see that her run was flawless. Here's to you, Prudie.

But even watching that breathlessly beautiful run isn't as entertaining, The Spouse pointed out to me, as watching the cross country skiers and cross the finish line. Why? Because it's like a big game of ring around the rosie:

Sing it with me "ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN!!!" I love it! I love a sport where everyone collapses in despair/joy/exhaustion at the end. Awesome! So unlike those marathon runners who cross the finish line after more than 26 miles.... and just keep running. Like they can't stop. Take a page from your cross-country friends and collapse in a heap instead. It feels SO much better.

Unless you're Lindsey Jacobellis. And you're sitting on your backside halfway through the course as your competition crosses the finish line and you're thinking "WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!"

Well, Linds (can I call you Linds?) I'll tell you what happened. That blue gate? Which actually just looks like a pole? You ran into it. So, Lesson 1 from Torino: no showing off before the finish line. Lesson 2 from Vancouver: don't run into the pole. I mean gate. Maybe next time.

But for our final sport, I'm not sure there should be a next time:

I'm sorry. I try to be supportive and understanding. Everyone has their thing. Some people think curling is cool in clown pants. Some people, I'm sure, watch the couples ice dancing. Even if it's just to laugh. But WHO in their RIGHT MIND trains for a sport called "Skeleton." If I understand it correctly, you get on the sled. Face first. And you go down the same track that those bobsledders and crazy lugers use. At 70 miles per hour. FACE FIRST.

Please. Someone explain to me how this is a good idea. Or even legal. Because it boggles my unathletic mind. Ice + speed + face + downhill does NOT, in my also mathematically challenged mind, = FUN.

Stay tuned. You never know what kind of hilarity is left in the second week of competition.


  1. i enjoyed this post very much! thanks for the laughs! :)

  2. Why isn't this commentary syndicated? I would pay money to read this kind of olympic critique. Great fun.

  3. Yours is the best commentary I've seen. Bob Costas bugs.

  4. I agree with you whole heartedly on that disaster-waiting-to-happen, Skeleton. I think I overheard the commentators saying they're traveling at over 90 mph with up to 5 G Forces (I still need to look that up!) And the track is equivelant of 50 stories! That is crazy, if you ask me! Yikes!

  5. YOu should go pro- free tickets to every event!