Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Unedited Life: Pad Rash is not a Thai food.

I have a standing joke with a bunch of my good friends about a thing called "Pad Rash."

You don't want to know. You really don't. But let's just say that I discovered it after a rather embarrassing post-baby visit after I had my second baby. (Nothing like an OB/GYN saying "Oh wow, you've got some pad rash going on down here" to make you want to crawl under the nearest rock in your tissue-thin exam gown.) But you really should know that there IS a difference between synthetic absorbers found in Stayfree or Always and those super-expensive organic cotton "feminine protection" products at Earth Fare.

I'll give you a second so you can file that bit of information away for future reference in your Gee Whiz Fact File. You're welcome.

Chafing. One of the bains of a chubby girl's existence.

*It is at this point that I excuse all of my slender(skinny) friends and relatives from reading and invite you to go find something to eat in your fridge. Hopefully you have some chocolate or cheese handy. Please. Do it for me.

Now that it's only us pudgy girls, we can be frank. I went to the beach a couple days ago and had a lovely time building sand castles and playing in the surf, but in that mere 1 block walk back to the beach house, I had to encounter that evil monster: chafing. Chafing is why fat girls shalt not venture to run. Or bare their thighs at all. Because, I think we can all agree, that it is NO FUN to go buy Gold Bond Medicated Powder or walk around like a Texan just off a cattle drive for several days.

Which brings me to my real point: why do women get all the trials in this life? Seriously?! Let us compare:

WOMEN
  • Middle School Girl's Bathrooms.
  • Periods.
  • Bosoms. (Or appropriate euphemism.)
  • Pregnancy. (The hurling! The crying! The exhaustion! The weight gain!)
  • Birth.
  • Postpartum. (Two words: stool. softener.)
  • Pap smears (What is a pap? Why do they smear it?)
  • Mammograms. (I'll take cancer for 100, Bob.)
  • Menopause. (Will the injustice never end???)
  • Female Fat Cells.
  • Placenta Brain.
  • Chafing.
  • Skirts.

MEN

  • Ummmm....
  • Seriously?
  • Can anyone think of anything??

9 comments:

  1. that list is exactly why my husband will be having a vasectomy when we are done having kids!!

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  2. I have one for the men list...

    self control the size of a mustard seed.



    Okay, the rest of your list is hilarious. True, which is kind of sad, but hilarious.

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  3. This post is hilarious. This is exactly why I hate running. Well, chafing along with the constant upper body bouncing, also known as my over sized bosoms. My favorite magnet pictures a woman in PE gear circa 1940 or so (I think.) It reads "I had to give up running for health reasons. My pantyhose kept catching on fire." Ha! However, one of my best friends that I would never venture to say is chubby also has chafing issues. She's a runner, big time runner. She uses some sort of liquid substance they sell at running stores for this exact problem. Too bad I just need it for my daily summer activities!

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  4. Okay, okay, mercy!!! Mercy!!!! I am laughing out loud- I'm printing this one out and taking it to my next Red Hat Society meeting where I will read it OUT LOUD and bring friends to tears with laughter. There is, however, some justice. It's called "the Prostate"- the little organ of interest that leads the doctor to say "turn your head and cough" to men of all ages.

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  5. I never went in the Middle School girls' bathroom, but I have a hard time believing it's any worse than my high school boys' bathroom.
    Although I suppose that about boy has as less of a need to touch some of the surfaces in the bathroom, so I guess I'll give you that.

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  6. Carolynn SpencerJune 18, 2009 at 5:14 PM

    Laughing so out loud. This one is definitely getting passed around my circle of gal pals. Brilliant.

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  7. MR CONTRACTION SAYS:
    JEALOUSY GETS YOU NO WHERE! :)

    WHENS THE NEXT SPROG COMING?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

    ReplyDelete